So, tomorrow is the ultrasound. Wow. The time went by a lot faster than I thought it would. I am ready for the ultrasound to be here, but at the same time I think ignorance is bliss. I want to know that everything is ok and I hope more than anything to see my baby's heartbeat, but at the same time I am content to just live with my head stuck in the sand. I am still having tons of pregnancy symptoms. However, I often wonder if something has already happened with this pregnancy and these symptoms are just in my head. Having been a recurrent miscarrier (4 miscarriages total) I think terrible thoughts like that. I try to put on a brave face and smile like I know everything is ok. I do this for my family. I do this for my friends. I do this for my co-workers. The only person I am completely honest with is Randy and that's because he has held my hand through the last 2 miscarriages and he has been there for all the dr visits and pills and shots and tests and tears. I don't think I could make it one day without him.

Those who have had multiple miscarriages know what I am talking about and how I feel. I have many aunts that have been through this. I have a friend that tried for over 8 years to have a baby and May of this year, she got her miracle. It's stories like that that keep me going. I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And I know that at the end of this road, somewhere, is my happy ending. No matter what form it comes in. And above all there is always HOPE. With each pregnancy and each miscarriage and each failed cycle, I always had hope. I knew if I ever lost hope, that was the end of the road for me.

I guess what I am getting at in all these ramblings is that I am terrified of the ultrasound tomorrow. I am terrified that something will be wrong and there won't be a heartbeat and this will not be a viable pregnancy. I am also terrified that there will be a heartbeat and that there will be a real live baby at the end. I know how to mourn and grieve a lost pregnancy, but I have no idea how to have a healthy pregnancy that actually produces a live baby in the end. I don't know how to be a mother. I am a dang good aunt if I do say so myself. And all the children of my friends love me. There are several that have told me they would move in with us if their moms and dads would let them. We are the fun ones. Randy and I have more toys than most kids. Heck, we are just big kids ourselves. But I don't know anything about raising a child of my own. And i don't know which scenario scares me more...the dr telling me that this pregnacny will fail or that the baby is healthy and we will get to meet him/her in just a few months...

When you say your prayers tonight, please send an extra 3 up for me. One for my peace of mind that I can not change anything about the outcome of tomorrow's scan-it's out of my hands. One that the ultrasound goes well and we see a heartbeat pumping steadily along and one for Randy's sanity cause Lord know I don't know how he hasn't gone crazy in the last few years living with me. I was either pregnant and emotional, angry cause a cycle didn't work, pumped up on hormones and fertility drugs or mourning the end of a pregnancy. There will be a special place in Heaven for him with the biggest rack bucks anyone has ever seen and a pond with all the record sized large mouth bass in the world. That's his idea of Heaven and he deserves it for living with me!

Krissy

STATS:
6 weeks 1 day
ultrasound tomorrow